1) I’ve realized that I’ll always be a softy, and that I always forgive. No matter what kind of shit someone puts me through, I’ll make sure everything is ok between us in the end.
2) Sometimes I feel under appreciated. I feel as though I’m a pretty generous person. And even though the generosity is most often not returned, I let it slide.
Example: with my coworker/friend Dan, I find myself always offering to share my food, like always with gum.. yesterday I gave him my last piece. 2 days ago I gave him my extra box of animal crackers. Bout 2 weeks ago I brought in lunch for Dan and Kelly. Yesterday when the pool cover started blowing over, Dan was up in the high chair about to get down to fix it, and I was like no no sit, I’ll take care of it.
Where am I going with all these random good deeds? The point is, Dan doesn’t offer food to me as often and isn’t always super generous or helpful, etc, but really, what I care about, is that I have the enjoyment of his company and that he is happy.
Sometimes I wonder if I let myself get walked on too often. Sometimes people say things that sting, I don’t end up telling them it hurts, and then it just burns within my heart, and I end up wishing I had said something. I hate that. Sometimes I think I put up with a lot of crap in my life. And I’m not good at being mean or mad back, I never have. But I’m definitely working on it.. voicing what I think. I’m a work in progress! I still don’t think I’m a stern enough lifeguard. Like the quote I had in my profile for a while, something like- "Guy- guh guys? Would you mind maybe not running? No? uh, oh.. ok.."
I am working on having an attitude, which I never really have had. Yesterday, I was only supposed to work until 3, but the girl that was supposed to replace me, Erin, showed up at 4. Now, usually, I would’ve said "it’s ok" because I’m bad at confrontations and I don't like them- but it really wasn’t ok, and I knew it, and I had to let her know, and it felt real good to bitch her out. I’m glad I did. It was glorious. Plus, as the head guard, I felt I had the right to it anyway. To warn her. I was like.. "don’t be late again. I really didn’t want to be here this extra hour. I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m cranky. ‘I’m sor’- I really don’t care." And I said goodbye to Dan and left.
Anyway- all of this boils down to the quote that rings so true in my life and personality.
I tend to sacrifice what I want so that others are happy. And I prevent anyone getting mad at me at all costs.
Its just- the things I do for people- sometimes the nice deeds are just not returned. So really- a family member or a best friend could stab me, and with the last 10 seconds of my life I seriously think I would pout, and then offer them whatever money was in my wallet to have their shirt dry cleaned. I guess I wouldn’t need the money anyhow.
To further prove my point, I really hope nobody is thinking, "Who does she think she is? She thinks shes sooo nice, what a tard, blah blah". Whatever. I’ve really just had a lot stirring in my head lately about this.
"The truth is, you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt"