Saucy (slutfish85) wrote,

working on me

I have forgotten to address something that I feel I need to. A while back I put up the away msg "The truth is, you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt" and that night "Somebody" commented in my LJ (you can probably scroll down and find it) that my msg that night was especially depressing. For some reason I don’t find that quote to be depressing or gross or anything. I think it’s honest and truthful. It is an explanation that sums up how I feel a lot of the time.
1) I’ve realized that I’ll always be a softy, and that I always forgive. No matter what kind of shit someone puts me through, I’ll make sure everything is ok between us in the end.
2) Sometimes I feel under appreciated. I feel as though I’m a pretty generous person. And even though the generosity is most often not returned, I let it slide.

Example: with my coworker/friend Dan, I find myself always offering to share my food, like always with gum.. yesterday I gave him my last piece. 2 days ago I gave him my extra box of animal crackers. Bout 2 weeks ago I brought in lunch for Dan and Kelly. Yesterday when the pool cover started blowing over, Dan was up in the high chair about to get down to fix it, and I was like no no sit, I’ll take care of it.

Where am I going with all these random good deeds? The point is, Dan doesn’t offer food to me as often and isn’t always super generous or helpful, etc, but really, what I care about, is that I have the enjoyment of his company and that he is happy.

Sometimes I wonder if I let myself get walked on too often. Sometimes people say things that sting, I don’t end up telling them it hurts, and then it just burns within my heart, and I end up wishing I had said something. I hate that. Sometimes I think I put up with a lot of crap in my life. And I’m not good at being mean or mad back, I never have. But I’m definitely working on it.. voicing what I think. I’m a work in progress! I still don’t think I’m a stern enough lifeguard. Like the quote I had in my profile for a while, something like- "Guy- guh guys? Would you mind maybe not running? No? uh, oh.. ok.."

I am working on having an attitude, which I never really have had. Yesterday, I was only supposed to work until 3, but the girl that was supposed to replace me, Erin, showed up at 4. Now, usually, I would’ve said "it’s ok" because I’m bad at confrontations and I don't like them- but it really wasn’t ok, and I knew it, and I had to let her know, and it felt real good to bitch her out. I’m glad I did. It was glorious. Plus, as the head guard, I felt I had the right to it anyway. To warn her. I was like.. "don’t be late again. I really didn’t want to be here this extra hour. I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m cranky. ‘I’m sor’- I really don’t care." And I said goodbye to Dan and left.

Anyway- all of this boils down to the quote that rings so true in my life and personality.
I tend to sacrifice what I want so that others are happy. And I prevent anyone getting mad at me at all costs.
Its just- the things I do for people- sometimes the nice deeds are just not returned. So really- a family member or a best friend could stab me, and with the last 10 seconds of my life I seriously think I would pout, and then offer them whatever money was in my wallet to have their shirt dry cleaned. I guess I wouldn’t need the money anyhow.

To further prove my point, I really hope nobody is thinking, "Who does she think she is? She thinks shes sooo nice, what a tard, blah blah". Whatever. I’ve really just had a lot stirring in my head lately about this.

"The truth is, you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt"
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