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Friday, July 16th, 2004
1:52 am - San Diego... that's German for "whale vagina".
This summer has had its ups and downs. Mostly downs. My car accident, my job not being much fun, my boss being a bitch and making me feel worthless, nothing to do in Syracuse when I want to have some fun with friends. My body improves but I am still emotionally sensitive. I can’t seem to take the criticism I receive from my boss, that I’m not doing as good of a job as last summer, though I feel like I haven’t changed in the way I do things there. That has been upsetting. Swim lessons so far are going well. It’s a drag getting up at 8:30 on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. I pretty much just don’t feel like doing this shit anymore. I figured I’d lifeguard one more summer after this, but now I’m not so sure. With my boss and I clashing lately, I feel almost unwelcome and uncomfortable when I’m there. It sucks that I don’t want to come back though because my salary rocks. But.. if I’m not happy being there anymore, what’s the point? Four summers is plenty. I need to beef up the resume. Where I could work next summer, I’m really not sure. Ideally, a place where the boss is more professional. That’d be nice. I think I may try and get some hours lifeguarding at the pool at St Mikes for some extra cash, because I’m always buying stuff.
I feel like I’m at an odd point in my life. Summers home from college are boring and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I like keeping busy. Because when I’m not busy, I feel like there is something missing. Not being in Vermont is hard. I long to be back in that state so badly, because there I am most at peace with myself and most happy. It’s always so gray here. I go back August 29th and classes start August 30th. It’s a bummer we can’t go back a few days early and just kick it before classes start, but oh well. I am so excited to return, I really miss my friends, but I’ve been good at keeping in touch with people. I’ve been trying to get ahold of Jessie, but have been unsuccessful, which sucks. Whitney and I are already talking about ideas for our room.
I’ve hung out with Mike Grosack 4 or 5 times already and that’s been fun. He makes me laugh so hard and I think it’s a great self esteem boost for him. He is such a smart, genuine kid. I really enjoyed going to see Fahrenheit 9/11 with him, because the conversation we had after was very stimulating, the kind of intellectual conversation I haven’t had since school. It really got my mind cranking. We also saw Anchorman, such a funny movie. Will Ferrell is the man, and that movie has quotes that I’m sure I’ll be repeating with friends at school. Tonight I went over to his house (he lives like 3 houses down).. we had a real great chat about college, friends, life etc, and it reminded me how fascinating deep chats can be. We were able to relate on a lot of things, like how preppy we were at mph and how now we’re just all relaxed and laid back and how great it is.. because once you leave mph, its like.. who cares anymore. It was time for us to open our eyes and get real. We have both met tons of interesting people at school and agree that it’s the experiences that make school so worthwhile and where we learn the most about ourselves.
Anyway... Today I went shopping and it ruled. I got some new khakis, black flip flops cuz my other ones are ripping, 2 new gym shorts, a bra, and the new Brandy cd which is pretty good. The last song on it is my favorite- its called “Should I Go” and it has the music from the song “Clocks” by Coldplay, but with a lil hip hop beat in it, and its just real soothing and neat.
It’s really late and I’m tired. Goodnight...

current mood: sore

(1 oh fa sho! |can you dig it?)

Friday, June 25th, 2004
1:41 am - ho hum.
physical therapy starts monday, june 28. although this will better my body, i think it wont be of much benefit to my mind and spirit. all follow up doctor/dental appointments where i’ve had to retell the story and focus on repairing myself has been hard. its interesting- i’ve become numb to explaining the same story over and over to friends, somewhat joking about it sometimes, but when it comes to talking about the incident and my pain to doctors, i get choked up and feel fragile all over again, and usually end up crying afterward. maybe because i allow myself to really let down my guard and i have to admit to them that i still need help. it exposes my vunerability. maybe its because i'm trying to be strong and get through this by myself, but at the end of the day, i really do need help. anytime i focus on my physical pain, it only reminds me of the accident and makes it harder to get over. it makes me feel weak inside and i end up getting really upset. my mom wants me to do this so i don't have any back problems later on in life, which i think is smart. i know i wouldn't want doctor appointments for the rest of my life.. because that would mean i'd never be able to let all this go.

im not sure what to expect from it.. silly stretches or something? who knows. but i know im ready for anything.

current mood: drained

(can you dig it?)

Monday, June 21st, 2004
12:51 am - Phish, etc
The party at Jig’s was fun, and my birthday Friday was rad. Friends and Family got me some real nice things and I really appreciated everything. It’s crazy I’m 19, my last year as a teenager! It’ll be so weird to turn 20. My mom said she feels like I should be turning 20.. I’m like, huh? I still feel little or something, and 20 seems so old. Oh well.

Last night, on June 19th, I went to see Phish at Saratoga Performing Arts Center (or SPAC) with Austin Steele.. I couldn't think of many people from high school that liked Phish or would wanna go with me, and on a whim I asked if he happened to like him, and surprisingly he's into that kinda music now so I was pumped I had a partner in crime. Anyway, a Phish concert was the most unique event I’ve ever been too. There were so many hippies it was unbelievable. Everywhere I looked-- tie dye, dreadlocks, patchwork clothing, people playing bongos, drinking beer, selling bowls or smoking them! I even saw some guy casually snort cocaine right next to me, it was nuts. Austin and I had to be the only sober people there. I met up with my friend Sam from school, which was awesome. He was trying to find tickets all afternoon from anyone selling, but he had no luck. However he’s going to the concert tonight, because Phish plays there 2 nights in a row. I talked to him for a couple minutes but it was getting close to the time that Phish was supposed to go on so we had to say goodbye. On my way in I passed some kid who was pointing at me and saying “you go to my school!!” .. it took me a second, but then I sorta recognized him, I think he’s older.. but I didn’t stop to chat, I had to keep movin with the crowd. We went through some checkpoints before fully entering the place, then went and got food cuz it was around dinnertime and we were super hungry. I got a hotdog and he got a cheeseburger, and they were both so ratty looking and thrown together but we both scarfed them down cuz they were surprisingly so good! We had lawn seats so we worked as far as we could into the crowd, found a place to sit down and eat, waited and looked around at all the crazy people. Some kid offered us weed, and he was actually kinda cute but he looked dirty and was like stumbling around. So eventually the band comes out and starts playing, and everyone goes into motion, instantly dancing. Throughout the show I danced too, basically bobbin the head and rockin out. I love those moments when you hear a great guitar solo and you close your eyes and get lost in that moment, it’s the most freeing thing. It did feel a little awkward dancing the same as the masses of drugged up youth.. I just wanted to have fun but I almost felt as if I was trying hard to look stoned or something, even though I wasn’t trying at all. In any case.. I got to do what I love so much about concerts, and that’s to just forget about my problems and forget about any cares and for a few hours I felt the unity that music brings to a large group of people. Everyone is singing the same words. Everyone is affected by these words and the rhythm the band creates. During these hours, we feel invincible.
Phish played a few songs I knew. Their tenth and final CD just came out called Undermind, and I’m gonna get it. I only have Farmhouse and Hoist, so I was lucky that they played a couple from those CDs and I had the chance to sing along. A lot of the time they would start a song, sing the lyrics and then just continue playing, or “jamming”, har har. They’re called a jamband for a reason. It was a little annoying though because sometimes they’d keep playing after finishing the lyrics for like 15 minutes or something. It was like, alright alright, just end it already. But whatever, it was a good time, and I feel lucky to have gotten to go to one since this is their last tour before they break up at the end of the summer.
That’s about it. Can’t wait to see John Mayer at the same place on August 8th. I kinda scoped out the place and saw where my seats for the concert will be, on the far left of the balcony, and I’m sure they’ll be fine. Any concert with John at it is a good concert, guaranteed.

Pertaining to the topic of the past 2 entries, I wrote a poem, because I thought this was a good topic to work with…. the fact that my life changed within 5 seconds. And because sometimes that’s all it can take.

The snap of a twig, the rustle of leaves
A stir, a moment set into action
A moment when the fragility of life became clear
And I knew I would never be the same.
My soul coughed and muttered,
Fate blundered, creating
Proof that this could all end so very easily.
This was not a joke
But my destiny, already wrote.

In the blink of an eye, I was blind
And for that moment
My world shook
A page turned
And I knew that this was it.
But it couldn’t be,
I wouldn’t let it be
Because I still needed to hug my mom
One last time
And to meet the love of my life
And to have a child
And I refused to leave this earth until I did.

Was it all wrong place, wrong time?
Did God decide it was my spine
He thought he could unbind?
But why mine God, why mine?
Yet God I shall not curse
For, as everyone’s told me,
It could have been much worse.

Why must we gamble our days
Pretending we have forever
To right our wrongs
And tell our friends that we love them?

My life was perfect, but all it took
Was the creak of a floorboard
The flick of a switch
The crack of a knuckle
A spark and fizzle in my mind
To heave me back to the starting line.

(can you dig it?)

Tuesday, June 15th, 2004
7:24 pm - mmmuffin
hello hello! i'm bored because i'm home alone. and theres not much to do these days... i'm lifeguarding weekends until the pool opens fulltime, once school gets out for caz kids. anyway, when i wrote that last message i was still pretty fragile in mind and body from that accident. today im pretty much healed and feeling like myself again, but with a nice bristly patch on my scalp, and i recently started exercising again, but taking it slow. im still in some pain in the mornings, but i think its just stiffness. it hurts to run or bounce up and down and to dance, but that’s it. i think this is all just going to take a lot of time. mom wants to me to get physical therapy to lessen my chances of future pain or problems. this whole thing was just more proof that this could all end so very easily.. it was that powerful. since then, ive used this experience positively…. such as not worrying over silly things, knowing everything will be ok, trying to stay levelheaded, be as nice as possible to people, etc. recently i talked to mike grosack and we decided we’ve got to actually hang out a lot this summer, because last summer and times before we’ve been like ‘yea we should hang out sometime’ and then never do. and its ridiculous that we don’t because he lives 3 houses away. he heard about my accident through his brother matt, so that’s what made him be like, that’s it, we’re hanging out this summer and using our time wisely. and its so true that i need to start doing this. hanging out with people i seem to never have time for, or taking the time to catch up with friends. just simply making the most of my time. like i SHOULD be doing today! but theres just nothing to do…. maybe i should start another book. bah. its dinnertime, wheres my chow?

current mood: straight chillin!

(can you dig it?)

Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
11:15 pm - story time, gather round.
What I will always look back on as a huge incident, and probably the scariest in my life has just occurred. Since all I can do lately is lay around and let time do its thing repairing my body, I’ve had time to ponder this events effect on me. I might as well tell it now on here and get it over with anyway cuz I’ve been telling it a lot lately.

On Friday, June 4th I arrived in the afternoon in Connecticut where I was looking forward to a kick ass weekend with Schnurr, Whitney and Shana, and I was excited to eventually visit with CJ, Nas and Scott, who live in the area. The day went awesome, shopping in Fairfield, picking up Shana from the bus station, hangin out in Schnurr’s massive house, going out to dinner for Schnurr’s birthday. That night we were on our way to CJ’s in Old Saybrook, and I couldn’t wait to see him. I was in the passenger seat, Schnurr was driving, and Whit, Shana and Schnurr’s friend Kate were in the back. So, we’re on the highway, and out of nowhere a spinning tire comes bouncing over the cement median and immediately Schnurr says oh my God, I say Oh shit, and there is absolutely no time to do anything about it. From the time I see it to the time it hits the car, it must’ve been the time span of about 3 to 4 seconds. It basically lands on me, and with this huge blow to my head, I closed my eyes and all I felt was this inexplicable vibration go through me for 5 seconds and when I open my eyes the windshield and roof were all broken in and the sunroof shattered glass everywhere on us. I remember the rear view mirror was dangling by a cord. Instantly a million thoughts ran through my head: thoughts of God, what will my parents think, I've got to see my family again, how could this happen to me, why do I deserve to have had this happen… and the intense fear of what was wrong with me, because right away I noticed the pain in my back and neck. Call 911 was the first thing I said, and Schnurr did, and I vaguely remember what she said into her phone.. but luckily we were near a sign that told an exit coming up, so that was useful in describing where we were. I sat as still and rigid as possible because I knew not to move if a back and neck injury was expected, and all my friends got out of the car. Schnurr had some scratches and everyone just got rained on by glass, but that’s all the others suffered. I waited patiently for the ambulance to arrive. Once they did, some guy asked me where it hurt and what happened. He also had me squeeze his hands and wiggle my toes, making sure I wasn’t paralyzed. Some others put a neck brace on me and I was able to scoot over and sit on the bottom of a backboard and lay myself down while they moved me up it and scrapped me in. Once on the stretcher and being wheeled to the ambulance I was shouting to Whitney to come with me, and all the girls came aboard but I was so scared that I might’ve had to go alone. I was also scared that I’d have to get any kind of shot or anything like that on the way there or like an IV, but I didn’t which was good. So anyway when we got to the hospital I had to wait for my turn.. its pretty much first come first serve, unless its super serious. I had held my composure and been fine up until I got on the phone with my mom and I just broke down. Schnurr’s friend Kate’s mom let me use her cell. I absolutely lost it and continued to cry off and on throughout the whole time there. Then it sucked waiting because after a while the back of my head was KILLING ME, its something about having your head pressed against a hard surface for a long time it began to hurt so bad, and even when I asked a nurse if there was anything I could do about it she said no and its like what everyone complains about. Towards the end of my time waiting for help I was seriously starting to spaz out because the constant pain was driving me nuts, there was no way of relieving it. Soon I had some x-rays done and then later a catscan to check it my spines ok, and it turned out to be fine. For the catscan they had to lift me on a blanket to another table and that was excruciating.. as was when they rolled me on my side and removed the backboard, good God I wailed like nothing else. I barfed once while there, and then later on the ride home too, I had to get out of the car. It felt good to barf. Oh yeah, and my aunt and uncle came because they live in East Haven. It was my aunt though that actually held my hand and listened to me, my uncle just stood around (he’s kind of a jerk). Anyway, I left at midnight and had been there since about 8:30pm. When they had me sit up I was so dizzy and shitty and bleary eyed. Walking on my way out, I had never felt so fragile and uneasy, I was like a dying old lady. I left with my hands shaking violently, my hair a mess, scratches down my face, glass in my hair and tiny bits under the front and back of my shirt, bruised and bloodied knuckles, a bloody patch were I basically got scalped in the front of my hairline and a chipped tooth.
It’s now been 6 days since the accident and not a day has gone by that I haven’t cried. I have been incredibly unstable emotionally and feel really unconfident.. I feel like any little thing will set me off. Theres always that pressure on my chest like when you get choked up. It’s been so traumatic, but each day I laugh and smile a bit more. Courtney and Katie have each visited me once and during those times I’ve perked up and enjoyed their company. I’ve been staying home and only going outside or making little errand runs with my mom into town. Being in a car nerves me but my mom takes it real slow not to give me whiplash. But I tend to feel tired and weak after I’m up moving around for a while. Sunday I actually woke up with a real swollen face, my forehead and between the eyes was all puffy making my eyes look far apart and I looked like a lion or maybe the dwarf from Lord of the Rings. That was really hard to deal with though, because whenever I looked in the mirror it was like a huge reminder. Then on Monday it seemed like the swollenness moved down my face because that day it was real puffy under my eyes and on either side of my nose. My head is still wicked throbby today, but my back has improved a lot, although its still slightly sore right below my neck, on my upper back. The scratches on my face are healing pretty quick. That small patch that got scalped isn’t that noticeable because my hair goes over it anyway.. its funny, I’ve described myself looking like a unicorn that’s had its horn broken off because I just have this white circle of scalp in the middle of my head. I knew I’d have to tell this story a million times to people, and I already have, and I think its what prolongs the emotional distress. I know this is all gonna just take time to get through. I'm just definitely not gonna rush it. Tonight both Katie and Stew invited me out to ice cream and I just didn’t feel ready. It unexpectedly made me choked up and weak to think of driving, it really upset me and I wasn’t sure why. I don’t want this to develop into social anxiety or something crazy like that.
On the flip side, I am grateful to be alive. It could have been worse, and everyones telling me how lucky I am. But, I don’t feel completely lucky, because lucky people don’t get hit in the head with tires. However, this has been one of those experiences that reminds me and others to appreciate life and never ever ever take it for granted, because in a matter of seconds it can change drastically. Since then I have hugged my family members, especially my mom, way more often than I used to. I hug my mom so many times a day now. And you should too! Its so scary to think that a nasty accident like this can happen anytime/anyplace, and there is absolutely no way to prepare yourself. When it happens, it happens, and you're just left to deal and start over.

Oh yeah. So I found out later that was happened on the other side of the road to cause the tire to fly, was… there were 3 cars traveling near each other in the 3 lanes, and the one in the far left was moving to the middle lane and didn’t see the car in the middle lane, because it was in the left lane's blind spot. So the car in the middle moved over to the right and basically bumped into a trailer that was in the far right lane, and the tire somehow came right off the middle's car. And the tire went sailing right onto the other side of the highway!

So there ya have it. My weekend. I wish I got to see the other friends I intended to see but I didn’t, and it’s disappointing. I left Saturday because my parents drove out to bring me home. I didn’t really want to stay anyway because I felt that if I did, the other girls would have to sit around with me and it’d keep them from going out and having fun. So I was glad they got to go into NYC and make the most of the rest of their trip.

I’m off to play board games with Lindsey downstairs...

current mood: sore

(1 oh fa sho! |can you dig it?)

Friday, May 28th, 2004
1:21 am
so i dont usually have interesting dreams, but from what i can remember from last nights', they were SUPER WEIRD. the first one consisted of me and my friend CJ running up flights of stairs, laughing and all out of breath. i called him today to let him know he was in my dreams, and we have a laugh over that. but the other dream i had was... me with lisa and bart simpson flying around in a spaceship in outer space.
no joke.. sairiously!
heh heh i need to lay off the crack.

current mood: amused

(can you dig it?)

Monday, May 24th, 2004
1:47 am - random observations etc
Its funny how back in August/September, we all went into college not having any idea what we were getting ourselves into, what it was going to be like or how it would all work out. We were all just thrown in there, wide-eyed and not as old as we thought we were. I know I was totally ready for the next chapter. How weird is it to have to live with a stranger that you’ve talked to maybe once or twice on the phone? Preferences such as messy or neat, stays up late or goes to bed early is no way to tell how two people may mesh.
Now we’ve all got one year under our belts and as friends and I are reuniting, we can relate on this new and awesome thing called college. We can all talk about the beers we drank, hook ups, and the crazy and stupid things we did, because we all basically went through the same thing and can understand. Its a fun thing to discuss, but our year is really all there is to converse upon. Once thats covered, I sometimes find myself at a loss for words.
When asked how my year went, I say it went really well, it was great, perfect etc. But honestly, if I had to say why it was great, I wouldn’t really know where to start, unless they wanted to sit and listen for a couple of hours. Yeah, it was great, but everyone says that. And mine was far different than others, but all are thrown into the same category of either good or bad anyway.
I like seeing how people have changed, and sometimes its disappointing when they haven’t. Its cute how boys think they’re grown up because they grew their hair out or perhaps some facial hair (mmm facial hair), displaying the fact that they no longer give a fuck. And its kind of weird having to shift back into how I used to act around old friends, and recall old inside jokes. I find that once new friends are made, the sense of humor changes and it’s hard to then joke with old friends as in the past.

I think thats it for now. Just some random thoughts I had to write.

current mood: mellow

(can you dig it?)

Sunday, May 16th, 2004
5:46 pm
i think whats most annoying about being home is having to plan everything out with my parents and let them know wherever im going, instead of just gettin up and sayin hey i feel like going out, lets go somewhere. i miss being spontaneous!! and its annoying having to drive everywhere to see people whereas at school you can walk down the hall or across the quad to chill with your best friends. blah

(2 oh fa shos! |can you dig it?)

Saturday, May 15th, 2004
6:47 pm
i havent written poetry in like a year but i badly want to get back into it. i remember after taking the creative writing class senior year i had written cool poems i was proud to have created. i never knew i had it in me. writing poetry is a talent i feel i waste when i don't write often enough.
i wrote this today and i hope you like it. i didnt bother putting it in a poem-ish format all aligned to the left.

Your response was not what I hoped for, but I shrugged, smiled, and continued to kiss you. your hands touched me but your heart stayed away. the liquor wore off slow in our systems. your face turned away from me like the night turns on day. between the blinds the moon stood broken, stenciled into the sky, half silent and robed in navy. it hung in the night the way words hang once spoken. we slept back to back that night- close, but the distance was there. all I needed was your skin.
In the morning I tried to wake you with soft kisses, but it was useless. even in sleep you knew things had changed, for things I said or things I did not say. I wished to bury these memories and fold them twice under, so that maybe in the spring a love could grow with vines that reached into my windows.
Perhaps you will sleep the day away. Its always easier in winter to not wake up.

(2 oh fa shos! |can you dig it?)

Sunday, May 9th, 2004
1:45 am - well lifes too short so love the one you got cuz ya might get run over or ya might get shot
Well, freshman year is over. That had to be the best year of my life. I didn’t think leaving school would be that hard, but it really was. It wasn’t like the end of a high school year where you knew you could drive to a friends house anytime over the summer. I wont be seeing these people and be in the same place again for four months.. and its gonna be a long ass four months. The night before I left for home on Friday, a bunch of us squeezed around a table at dinner and just reminisced and talked about our favorite nights during the year, and id hafta say mine was Halloween and going to The Rocket. And the concerts we went to, oh the concerts.. Guster, Badfish, Pete Francis, Train, Damien Rice.. I loved just looking around at my friends and savoring the moment and taking it all in. When we went back to the dorm, we all gathered in Amanda and Amelia’s room to watch the last Friends episode, which pretty much reflected what we were going through and it was sad. After that we went out into that circle in the middle of campus where the benches are and just chilled under the stars talking and smoking cigars.. that was nice. Mary busted out her guitar and played this one sad song and everyone was quiet and I started crying, along with a few others. Sad music always does me in. Everyone cried a bunch this whole week. Then Jessie and I went around to other dorms to say bye to guy friends and whatnot because I knew I wouldn’t have time in the morning to say bye since my parents were coming early and would want to get on the road. I got so many hugs this past week. Warm, tight, long hugs that showed people truly care. Saying bye to CJ on Wednesday was hard, he kept hugging me and I could tell he didn’t wanna leave me. Poor Hunter didn’t even want to say bye because he hates saying goodbye, but Jake was like Hunter just hug her and say bye already! It was cute. Saying bye to Nate was weird because when I came over, Laura was inside and they had probably just been getting it on. I’m gonna miss that kid though. We spent a lot of time together this year and he’s so fun to goof with. The past couple days this kid Ryan, or “Irish” as everyone calls him, had been chillin with our crew, and it always sucks when you meet someone cool just when the years comin to an end, and you wish you could’ve spent more time with um. He’s going to UVM next year though so hopefully he’ll visit. His nickname for me is Polish. He let me paint his nails at like 3AM Friday morning. I don’t think I’ve ever painted a guys nails before. What a good sport!
In high school and even before that, the end of the year was sad, which it was this year too, but way different. It seriously felt like we were graduating or something, it was that intense, maybe even more intense than high school graduation. I think its because we’ve grown so used to living with one another and being able to see each other whenever we want so easily. I think its because it will never be the same. Never in the future will I be able to walk out my door and see all the same girls collectively. Never will it be the same. I even took pictures of my room before I started packing so I can remember just how it was.
This final week, everyone really came together and appreciated our time left and I loved it. Even with final exams, everyone was supportive, saying good luck when I was off to a test, encouraging me that I’d be great, asking how they were going, etc. It really put life in perspective, and made me realize how important friends are in life. A few weeks ago we all felt like, holy shit it’s the end of the year I can’t believe it, but by the time this last week came around, it was really starting to sink in. Although I was really busy preparing for finals and my mind was elsewhere, I still had time to chat with Jessie about it a lot at night when we were in bed in the dark about to go to sleep, about how this year has been unbelievable and how hard it will be to leave. It’s awesome that Jessie and Amanda are living down the hall next year, it’ll make the transition easier. I also look forward to rooming with Whitney! She lived across the hall from me this year. Jessie was definitely awesome though and helped this year run smooth. I started to cry while I packed the last of my things and my side of the room was becoming bare, and she came over and we stood there hugging in the middle of the room crying together, and I told her I couldn’t have asked for a better roommate. We were feeling the exact thing at that moment. It was like something out of a movie. I feel so incredibly lucky to have met the people I have met and to have had Jessie as a roommate, because we never had a single problem. Living every day with these girls definitely made us close like sisters. Even if sometimes they’d get on my nerves or if they got too much for me, at the end of the day, that shit didn’t matter. I have come to realize that college is largely about experience—meeting interesting people and interacting in a world away from what I am used to and what I know—versus schoolwork and books. I feel like I’ve changed inside.. maybe I’m more worldly or something. My dad called me that tonight. I mean I’ll still act the same around you, don’t get me wrong, I’m still crazy!! But really, I just feel like I’m gaining the experiences I hoped I would and I’m learning about myself and my capabilities, and I love it. I was hoping for big thangs, change, and an adventure, and its what I got. I’ve absolutely fallen in love with Vermont. I loved seeing the mountains in the distance from my window and walking outside my dorm each day and taking a deep breath of fresh air. Strolling down Church Street always brought a smile to my face, looking around at the different people and street performers. Skiing at Smuggs and Stowe were highlights of the winter; it gave me a chance to bond with friends, have fun, improve, relax, and ski some place cooler than Labrador Mtn. When I was laying under the stars with my friends that last night, I sighed and said how I love Vermont so much that I wanna hug it, and then I rolled over onto my stomach and laid flat. Then I proceeded to hump it a bit. I think Vermont loves me too.
I loved taking drives just to get off campus with Whit and whoever else, maybe Schnurr and Shana, blasting “Yeah” by Usher and dancing .. best moment was when we stopped at a light beside this dude who was kinda cute, so I said hey hows it goin. Then after a minute I was like, hey don’t you guys think he kinda looks like Joey McIntyre from New Kids on the Block? So I said to him… excuse me, but has anyone ever told you that you look like Joey McIntyre from New Kids? he smiled and said no, so I said ok have a nice day and we sped away, it was so funny... and then there was that time I jumped out of the car at a red light and danced in front of the car.. Whitney revved the engine and I shrieked, that sucked. And that time after getting back from Smuggs at 10AM Saturday and Schnurr was unloading her gear from Whit’s car, and we stopped to dance and blast the music… then later that day Matt Hogan said he had woke and looked out his window to see us dancing alone in a deserted campus, lol. Getting drunk in vegan/straight edge Scott’s room.. “whoa Sara LOVES college”.. I love Scott, he’s so funny. Watched Chappelle’s Show in his room every Wednesday night. And the time I drank with my RA at a party. And havin a good time in Nas’s place.. aw man I love how I thought I ran the damn show. First time playing beruit there! Anyway.. theres are just some of so many stories I could tell. Like when I got water balloons thrown at me from the third floor of joyce hall, haha.. o man I could go on forever.

I know this entry was super deep and reflective, but its all true. And I haven’t had extremely deep times like this before really. So this is something special.
Since I’ve been home, I’ve just been unpacking and doin stuff with my parents. Its also weird to be alone a lot again. I haven’t been alone this much in God knows how long. Its sorta nice, I suppose.. though I know I’ll be bored after a while. Soon enough in like a month er so work will be starting up and I’ll be hangin with friends … I don’t think many people are home yet. But I really look forward to seeing old friends, and seeing who has changed. I’m sure all the boys grew their hair out and grew some facial hair just to prove that they’ve become men. Well if you’ve read through this entire entry, thank you, and I hope you enjoyed getting some insight on what this past year was like for me. And don’t forget to holler at me so we can chill!

Peace, Sara.

current mood: contemplative

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Wednesday, January 7th, 2004
1:20 am - tag team, back again (whomp there it is, anyone?)
hi livejournal... so we meet again! i said the next time id write in you would be like, mid-second semester, but this christmas break is just duh-ragging on and im bored! plus, its like 1:30AM and i dont feel like going to bed yet. got thoughts running through my mind! (and those thoughts run in style, with sweatbands and tube socks). i go back to school in t-minus 5 days, and i'm looking forward to it. in a way, it kinda sucks that i wanna be back at school so bad after like 2.5 weeks, because that only means that im going to suffer through the loong summer! ill have to take roadtrips or something and visit friends (it sucks that like only a few friends are from NY). its a good sign that im itching to get back though, because that means that SMC is really the school for me.
i've been trying to keep busy and have fun since i've been home, seeing friends, running errands, shopping, spending time with the fam... i saw the movies Stuck On You, Cold Mountain, and Lord of the Rings. who've i seen.. went to an SU b-ball game with julian and met up with steve and george afterward. tonight mike grosack and i watched the movie Slackers (bad movie!). i've also chilled with courtney, katie, russell, sara, stacey and kat.. seen so many people which was awesome and got to catch up- will, jacob, carla, ted, nora, pat, greg, liz, petey, caitlin, austin, jaimie, joel, chris, randy!!(i gave that man a large hug)...etc. even andrew butts for christ sake! and MS BENTLEY! BUT.. i think it comes to a point where, ok, you've seen everyone and caught up.. now what? now with my last week, i've had more time on my hands. not that its a bad thing. but lately, nights have been a bit slow. but, whats cool is, tomorrow (wed) im chillin with courtney, then thurs im goin to visit Ms Zhag in rochester and come home fri, and before i know it, it'll be the weekend and i'll be packing to go "home"! yay!
i love my aim icon, i changed it recently, from a martini glass to this little person with the word Shaggy under it. she's shaking her hair around and making it bounce with her hands. too precious.
ok i think thats good enough for now. have a super night, im tired now. "sara come lay on me baby" -bed

current mood: lazy

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Sunday, December 28th, 2003
10:24 pm - Yay! a new entry!
Welp kids, one semester of college down. And what a semester it was!! I’ve met so many interesting, fun people.. just as I hoped I would, having known the same people for 5 years at MPH. I’ve formed tight bonds with the girls on my floor, along with guys on the floor of a different building, which has become my family away from home. I’ve come to really love the state of Vermont and have adopted it as my new home. I mean I still got mad love for NY and I love to represent and all, but VT is just so awesome and beautiful… I definitely never thought I’d end up there.
I’ve come to realize that my life is very divided. I have two separate and totally different lives now. The first time I came home, during Columbus Day break, it was really weird to be back. Took some adjusting. But I’m getting more used to bouncing back and forth between the two. And I’ve become used to the looong ass car rides.
Christmas break has been fun thus far. As much as I love SMC, its so nice having some alone time and time with my (real) family. Already skiied a few times.. but Lab does get old. Got lots of nice things for Christmas.. gave a lot too, which was expensive. Definitely understanding the power of the dollar and how I need to save and be careful with what I blow my money on. Like instead of random clothes that I don’t really need, I like using my money on sensible things, like alcohol. And boy have I grown to love the alcohol.
Speaking of alcohol, hooking up with, 5, 6, 7 ? guys already this past semester has been a blast. Definitely not what I’m used to, which I guess is why it kicks so much ass. This whole time I’ve been really open to anything, whatever came my way, having fun and all… but I’m starting to think that at the end of the day, I really should have some foundation.. if that makes any sense.. somebody to actually be with. I don’t want to be slutty ALL the time, I mean, shucks. I want to be taken seriously, damnit! Haha. Like I’d actually really like to try and find a guy to have a relationship with and settle down. Because at heart, I would just like a boy to be with. And SMC has got some great guys to choose from. I’ve already had a number of crushes. Seems like, if a crush goes no where, I don’t worry too much because I know there will be other options comin at me around the corner soon enough. Right now I do have my eyes on someone .. and I’m really hoping something will work out with him.. cuz I’m caahhrazy bout ‘em!! I love that feeling after talking to someone you like, and the conversation goes well, you just feel so happy and light as a feather. Squeal inducing conversations. I’ve been having those types of conversations lately with him. I want that feeling all the time. And I’m nearly positive that he likes me back. So.. I’m looking forward to getting back to school and getting my game on again.
Hmm what else. Things with Jessie are still going fine. She’s a schweety. I called her on Christmas to catch up. We call our room home now, its funny.. at first it felt kinda awkward, but it definitely has become home. Our room is cozy. It all truly felt like home after about 2 months.. there was a point where it hit me, it clicked, like this is all routine now and I totally feel comfortable with everything. In a way I miss the newness and excitement about a new school, but, whatev… doesn’t mean the fun don’t stop!
I’m looking forward to starting new classes, but not the work at all. I’ve gotten really sick of all the fuckin homework. It just gets soo draining after a while. Ugh, just thinking about it makes me go blah! Ok, breathe.
After a few months of easy mac, ramen, and buffet style eating at the cafeteria, my body was having it’s revenge (I think I heard it whisper "why are you doing this to me?" at one point.. or maybe I'm just going crazy ?). I was feeling like a total lard ass and no longer in shape (if you count soft pink mush as a shape). Ok that just sounds gross. But anyway, I wanted to stop feeling all guilty and yucky that I was becoming a statistic and I had to do something about this! The last 2-3 weeks of school before break, I started going to the gym with my friend CJ, and he’s become my running buddy. I’ve grown to enjoy running and I find that it brings fast results. Good for my legs. I forgot how good it makes me feel afterward, and that it like, releases endorphins, and I just looove being happy! I think running is easier to do and I last longer when running indoors. I didn’t use to like running because I always ran outdoors, and I think its cuz of like.. the air or something. For some reason I run better when the temp is warmish, room temperature. Ok this is really boring, isn’t it? Fuck it, this entry needs to end. lol
But seriously folks, I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this entry, because I know they’re rare. Looks like I’ll probably stick with doing another entry halfway through the semester and at the end. I kinda like looking back on college memories and the things I’ve done and the fun I’m having. Ok, cool.

current mood: cheerful

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Monday, October 13th, 2003
12:23 am - COLLEGE
A month at college, and my life is so different already! even the livejournal homepage layout has up and changed on me! goddamn.
Where to begin... I'm sure i won't be able to cover everything thats happened in the past month, but i'll try my best to sum stuff up.
I am having the time of my life. i have met so many amazing people and experienced new things and learned more about myself... just as i had hoped. i feel as though after having been given advice, heard tons of college stories, and ways to prepare myself... its so different when you actually live it and experience it for yourself. theres no way to know what its really gonna be like until you dive right in and live it. i felt i was really ready for it though.. even looking back at my last entry in august, i was confident. i wasn't that nervous until when i was moving in and jessie wasn’t there yet... the anticipation was killin me, and it killed me for like half an hour til she got there and i was relieved to find that she was super happy to meet me and greeted me with a big hug. man she had so much stuff. but anyway...
fast forward to now, we've gotten along soo well and never had any kind of spat or argument. theres really nothing i can think of that annoys me about her.. maybe only a tiny thing or two. but shes so nice, and even when shes in a bad mood or stressed, she still goes out of her way to be a sweety and be generous. my friend liz even commented once that we're probably the best pair suited for each other in the hall. our room is also mad awesome and good looking.
i live in Lyons Hall, fourth floor, room 404. my hall of girls is like my family. i really like um all.. theres always someone to talk to or go to the cafeteria with.. sometimes we travel in big packs to dinner and such. ive also made a bunch of guys friends who i really enjoy knowing. ive realized i almost like having guy friends better.. theyre so easy to talk to and so funny.
a lot of people are from massachusetts and connecticut. red sox fans are CRAZY at st mikes, and its all about bashing the yankees. there are some people from vt, some from maine.. some from NH .. i know a couple from new jersey and rhode island.. but for the most part its mass. i get excited when i meet someone from new york... not too many are from new york. ive got mad pride, and i say im from syracuse boldly. i know 3 others from syracuse: ian daly, whos from tully, mike drescher whos from liverpool and went to cba, and john dermody whos from caz. its weird talking to them about syracuse, mixing my old life with new. ive heard theres some sophomore girl from syracuse too that goes there, but ive never met/seen her.
i party every weekend, making up for lost time in high school. i either do thurs and fri night or fri and sat night. i think 3 nights in a row would just totally fuck me up.. havent tried it yet and i don't think i want too. drinking is such a blast and its pretty easy to find alcohol, despite it being a dry campus. i know a lot of people who've been written up for being caught drunk or with beer. im fortunate enough to have no been caught... yet! tee hee. my weekend nights usually consist of a little pregaming, then heading out to either friends rooms or townhouses where there are parties or north campus, where you take a shuttle for 2-3 minutes to a place where they have more townhouses and apartments.. north campus has great parties. i have a friend named tim from my spanish class whos a really cute junior who lives on north campus and ive gone to his place 3 times, he has a sweet ass bar. and hes wicked generous about hooking up my friends and i with drinks. we usually hop around to different parties around there. any which way, every weekend is an adventure. we're all also real good about sticking together and watching each others' backs. jessie and i usually stick together.. we're mad tight.
my classes have been going pretty well. i usually dont procrastinate and im good about going to the library and getting stuff done. theres only been a few times where ive felt totally stressed. the workload sucks but i manage to get it done and its not so bad. i like my teachers and i get along with them fine. im pretty much just trying to keep my grades up enough so i can stay in school and let the good times roll. i always do my work and turn stuff in on time, but its not like i break my back over it, ya know?
something i can't stress enough that i love about vermont is that it is SO CHILL. the people, the atmosphere.. its just so different from home and high school. in high school everyone looked the same. during the summer i was ultra preppy and i wanted to continue to be in college. but i really find myself not caring as much anymore and just not being as insecure or worried about what people may think of me. i feel much more secure as to who i am. i find myself being so much more outgoing and friendly. ive gone up to and talked to a lot of people without hesitation. i speak up so much more and with ease. not just in class, but, i dunno.. an example that just came to mind happened last week. i was standing in line to get food and i overheard two girls in front of me saying something about university of melbourne, and i came right out and asked the girl if she had gone there abroad, and she said yeah, and we got into a conversation about it and how my sister had gone there too.. and it turns out this girl is a senior. and the fact that im a freshman and shes a senior didnt like intimidate me. it was weird. see? everyones just mad cool and nice in vermont. maybe because they're all stoners. jk!
speaking of eating- i love going to the cafeteria with friends, because its not so much of a food thing, but a social thing. what we do is eat and talk, but then we always end up staying an extra half hour to 45 minutes, just chillin and talking. it just doesnt get boring. its some of the best sober times. getting to know new people is something i've really come to appreciate. it also makes me realize how sick i was of the same people at mph (obviously not to insult ktm, baybe, stacey, lizi etc, i love you). i really just needed variety in my life.
what else..
i went to a Guster concert mid september and it was amazing. the bongo player was insane and had crazyfast hands. pretty much my whole floor went to it. it was in a theater much like the Landmark. we were in the back row, but it was small so it really didnt feel that far away, i could see them fine. it was soo fun though just cuz everyone was dancing and going nuts and no one cared how stupid they looked. that amazing feeling you get at concerts really brought us all together.
i feel like im changing.. my styles and tastes, the way i talk (i say dude and man a lot now).. i just feel like college has given me the opportunity to grow up and mature and discover myself. yes, its only been a month, but i can already see the process in effect, and i cant wait to see where this is going to take me.
i didnt think this entry would turn out to be so long! but theres just so much to touch on. im basically just really happy now and satisfied that everything has gone well thus far and i know that i truly made the right decision with going to st mikes, and everything has fallen into place. last year it sucked sometimes at home when i'd have time to think too much or listen to sad songs or have depressing days.. but now being surrounded by friends and good times and good distractions makes it easy not to have time to ponder the negativities. which is awesome.

i hope friends that read this and are in college too are having a great time and are gaining new experiences as well. cuz these truly are the best years of our lives!!!

current mood: relaxed

(1 oh fa sho! |can you dig it?)

Monday, August 25th, 2003
11:52 pm
Well folks, my time here is winding down. I knew at some point I was bound to write a farewell entry. Not that I’m like deleting my livejournal or something.. no way! But farewell to Caz and my life here as I know it. Yes that’s right, I’M going to college .. who woulda thought, eh?! I’m pretty satisfied with my summer. I kept busy with work, having the most fun this summer at CCC than any summer before, mainly because of getting to know my coworkers well, through long conversations and joking around and crap like that.. I don’t think I’ve laughed that much at work. Some of these people I’ve gotten to know are hilarious. It was also good to not have all work and no play. Had a lot of fun with friends this summer.. life has been pretty good. I haven’t had a solid boy or anything, and I’m not interested in anyone right now, which is totally convenient. Starting fresh kicks ass. I bet college will be exciting for the first week or two, and then I’ll settle in, and it’ll be like .. my new life. And it will be my new normal. All the times I visited were great and I always felt comfortable, so I know living there full-time will work out well.
Tonight when I was hugging my mom she whispered “Don’t go”, half-jokingly and half-seriously. She says it a lot more lately. I don’t think she likes to show that she’s sad, and get all emotional, but I know she is. She’s not really one of the types that say I Love You a ton either.. it’s not like she doesn’t love me, I mean I definitely know that she does. I think she just feels awkward when she says it or has to get mushy, and thinks its corny or something. But I know she’ll miss me.. I bring the funk to her life! She’s gonna miss having my wacky humor around, her favorite thing about me. Agh this is making me sad… stahhp! I know with me leaving and having an empty nest at home makes her feel old.. she’s said so. But obviously there’s nothing I can do.

My roommate Jessie said in a recent email that she’s pumped, but also “wicked nervous”. The fact that she’s more nervous than me, because I’m only a little nervous, is good, because that way I’ll want to be really friendly and nice and outgoing to her, which I think will put us both at ease if we’re wicked nice to each other… lol does that make sense? Yeeeah. I’m a little nervous, but I think its mostly just anticipation and .. it’s all just a big waiting game right now.

The next entry I make will be all about how it’s going so far.. hopefully it’s a positive one! Wooo!

This makes me want to listen to "End of the Road" by Boys II Men ...

current mood: anxious

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Wednesday, August 20th, 2003
11:28 pm - today's random thought
im beginning to realize that the distinguishing feature of a person's character and the most important trait anyone can possess is that of humility and the quality of being down to earth. i really can't stress it enough.
when people have ego's, its what annoys me and turns me off; when i meet someone who is incredibly down to earth, its refreshing and appealing. like when i wrote a ton about the kid i met at academic orientation, AJ Miller. he stood out as someone i'd love to get to know because he had no hint of arrogance, and i loved it.

current mood: full

(1 oh fa sho! |can you dig it?)

Sunday, August 17th, 2003
11:10 pm - <3
id just like to give a big thank you and love you to stacey, lizi, and sara who have hung out with me these past two days and whom ive had great conversations with and are the greatest friends. you guys are amazing, and im thankful for having friends like you to help me through things. our talks mean a lot to me. and i hope to see you guys a time or two before i leave! :)

current mood: okay

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Friday, August 15th, 2003
7:59 pm - working on me
I have forgotten to address something that I feel I need to. A while back I put up the away msg "The truth is, you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt" and that night "Somebody" commented in my LJ (you can probably scroll down and find it) that my msg that night was especially depressing. For some reason I don’t find that quote to be depressing or gross or anything. I think it’s honest and truthful. It is an explanation that sums up how I feel a lot of the time.
1) I’ve realized that I’ll always be a softy, and that I always forgive. No matter what kind of shit someone puts me through, I’ll make sure everything is ok between us in the end.
2) Sometimes I feel under appreciated. I feel as though I’m a pretty generous person. And even though the generosity is most often not returned, I let it slide.

Example: with my coworker/friend Dan, I find myself always offering to share my food, like always with gum.. yesterday I gave him my last piece. 2 days ago I gave him my extra box of animal crackers. Bout 2 weeks ago I brought in lunch for Dan and Kelly. Yesterday when the pool cover started blowing over, Dan was up in the high chair about to get down to fix it, and I was like no no sit, I’ll take care of it.

Where am I going with all these random good deeds? The point is, Dan doesn’t offer food to me as often and isn’t always super generous or helpful, etc, but really, what I care about, is that I have the enjoyment of his company and that he is happy.

Sometimes I wonder if I let myself get walked on too often. Sometimes people say things that sting, I don’t end up telling them it hurts, and then it just burns within my heart, and I end up wishing I had said something. I hate that. Sometimes I think I put up with a lot of crap in my life. And I’m not good at being mean or mad back, I never have. But I’m definitely working on it.. voicing what I think. I’m a work in progress! I still don’t think I’m a stern enough lifeguard. Like the quote I had in my profile for a while, something like- "Guy- guh guys? Would you mind maybe not running? No? uh, oh.. ok.."

I am working on having an attitude, which I never really have had. Yesterday, I was only supposed to work until 3, but the girl that was supposed to replace me, Erin, showed up at 4. Now, usually, I would’ve said "it’s ok" because I’m bad at confrontations and I don't like them- but it really wasn’t ok, and I knew it, and I had to let her know, and it felt real good to bitch her out. I’m glad I did. It was glorious. Plus, as the head guard, I felt I had the right to it anyway. To warn her. I was like.. "don’t be late again. I really didn’t want to be here this extra hour. I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m cranky. ‘I’m sor’- I really don’t care." And I said goodbye to Dan and left.

Anyway- all of this boils down to the quote that rings so true in my life and personality.
I tend to sacrifice what I want so that others are happy. And I prevent anyone getting mad at me at all costs.
Its just- the things I do for people- sometimes the nice deeds are just not returned. So really- a family member or a best friend could stab me, and with the last 10 seconds of my life I seriously think I would pout, and then offer them whatever money was in my wallet to have their shirt dry cleaned. I guess I wouldn’t need the money anyhow.

To further prove my point, I really hope nobody is thinking, "Who does she think she is? She thinks shes sooo nice, what a tard, blah blah". Whatever. I’ve really just had a lot stirring in my head lately about this.

"The truth is, you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt"

(1 oh fa sho! |can you dig it?)

Thursday, August 14th, 2003
12:59 am - wait guys..... did i mention i love john mayer?
So kids, it looks like college is the next chapter in my life, and I think I’m ready for it. If I had to stay another year at MPH I think I’d go bananas!
It’s so weird to think I leave in 2 weeks. This is what all the hard work has been for over the years. The 8 college visits last summer, the research, the applications, the essays.. all the homework, blood sweat & tears. Its crazy thinking about just a couple years ago I wasn’t concerned about college at all. It seemed soo far away. I guess that’s how it always goes, though. Stuff sneaks up on you pretty darn quick. I feel pretty prepared for it all though, and ready for a new challenge. I’m really ready to take on something new. And I can’t wait to learn new things about myself in the process.
I don’t think anything bad will happen, either. Ive gotten enough advice about college and I know I have plenty of support if life begins to suck.
I’ve talked to my roommate Jessie a few times now- first I called her on the phone, then we’ve emailed each other back and forth.. and she seems really cool and nice. I think if she seemed like a loser I wouldn’t be so pumped to go. I would probably be a bit disappointed. But fuck that yo, our rooms gonna be the hottest spot in the hall.
College is supposed to be the greatest years of ones life. Bring it on yo, I could use some fun! My dad was a party animal and a frat boy back when he went to Alfred University. He went to grad school at Penn State because he didn’t want the party to end. I think thats fucking righteous!

John Mayer was amazing, again. It was just heavenly. Orgasmic, if you will. I want to be back there again- it made me the happiest girl in the world. I forgot how damn sexy he is in person. And how cute that butt is. Thank God for that jumbo screen thing. I loved hearing a couple of his new songs I’ve never heard before, like Come Back To Bed. That one blew me away. Before this, I couldn’t wait for his cd. Now I seriously cannot wait any longer, I’m so excited. The anticipation kills me, one sound clip at a time! It sucks theres only ten songs on Heavier Things. But whatever its still gonna rock. Quality over quantity!
Track List:
1) Clarity
2) Bigger Than My Body
3) Something’s Missing
4) New Deep
5) Come Back To Bed
6) Home Life
7) Split Screen Sadness
8) Daughters
9) Only Heart
10) Wheel

I’m sorry but am I the only one that creams their pants over this? Yeah, I thought so.

I liked his confusing little free-styling thing where he was flailing his arms a lot at the end of Something's Missing- he was babbling about "sitting at home on your couch with nothing to do, and then recieving a notice in the mail that you've won a size 12 shoe". Heres a couple random things I remember, too-
"a special thanks to the people out on the lawn with the itchy asses."
"you’ve guys have been great, this is such a good looking crowd ... I think I’m going to cry. (bites finger and sighs) no no, back to work, gotta get back to work"
That shit was so cute/funny.
Ok, I seriously thought I had heard him sing "you’re more than a quick fuck" in the song Come Back to Bed, but it turns out the actual lyric is "you know your not a quick forgive" lol, well spank my ass and call me Charlie! I like my misheard lyric better!! I thought it was clever because its nasty sounding but really sweet at the same time and with good intentions! know what I mean? yeah, I know you do.
Set list:
Why Georgia
Something's Missing
Bigger Than My Body
My Stupid Mouth
Come Back to Bed
Your Body is a Wonderland
No Such Thing
Back to You

I love the fact that, we all know he made a buttload of money since his last tour, but he kept his last tour and this tour really similar. It was simple, with no flashy shit, just him and the band. He is like the epitome of keeping it real. And his clothes! He still dresses like a normal dude. I love this about him.

Time to change my panties!

current mood: chipper

(1 oh fa sho! |can you dig it?)

Monday, July 21st, 2003
8:47 pm
Amanda had to be put down last night :( feels weird even writing it.
she had been having throat problems- the past few weeks she had been coughing and hacking a ton, but last night she was doing it like super fast and practically hyperventilating and hacking up spit/fluid crap.. basically her trachea was bound to collapse or something.. my parents took her to the animal emergency place, and I guess she was pretty much turning blue and could barely breathe .. even if we had put her on some kind of respirator or support it wouldn’t have worked or been worth it. she was wicked old too, like 16 er 17 I think.
When my parents left with her for the emergency place, Lindsey and I got to say bye to her. I figured she’d be back.. but then I thought maybe she wouldn’t. I tried to push that thought out of my mind though.. I was optimistic. An hour or two later I was up on my computer in my room and my dad came in and broke the news to me, that they hadta put her down, theres not much else we could’ve done.. I was pretty shocked, starting crying. I cried last night and a bit this evening.
I love having pets, but letting go is soo hard. whats hardest is to think that I’ll never be able to pet them again. Or see them walk by. Its so weird not seeing Amanda around anymore. She started living with us when I was in 5th grade. She was owned by my Grandma originally, but when my Grandma had to go to the hospital and then to a nursing home, someone had to take Amanda.. and my Grandma didn’t have a husband or anyone living with her when she had to leave that could take care of the poodle.
I have so many memories of Amanda.. and so many nicknames for her. We’d call her Lulu, Boos, Boobie, Nubi, Lookie, Shookie, Pood, Poody, Mander, Amanda Sue, Commander Sue of the Starship Enterprise ..don’t ask where they all came from. Just silly gibberish ‘n crap we made up along the way.
anyway, too many good times to write about.

other than this happening.. this morning i had to start those swim lessons. it went ok for my first time ever. it was just kinda hectic cuz it was one kid after the other and some in groups and like.. ugh, i felt unorganized. i think next time will be better though. this one was just screwy cuz of the shit weather and ppl showing up at random times. and the pool was cold and the rain made it worse and made everyone cold and jittery. but anyway, i think im gonna prepare myself better with lots of stuff to do for each lesson cuz it seems like we run out of things to do reeal quick. so anywaay

im bored tonight. but there are some quality shows id like to watch tonight. so.. yeah. my parents are watching some shitty movie downstairs called Narc and i can hear sounds from it and someones like screaming and crying and its really annoying.

good n ightttt

current mood: straight bummin

(3 oh fa shos! |can you dig it?)

Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
11:32 pm - ~
i had to post this to save it and be able to look back on. xai is such a gentle, caring guy, and an excellent friend, and this was like the sweetest thing anyones said to me in a long time. such a boost. this was a valuable conversation. it ended up going on longer, with plenty o compliments all around. but this is what set it off.

StarfishU: hahaha.... ya kno wat.... i'd just lyk 2 let u know that..well .... u'll always b the brightest ..most positive person whu i've met..
StarfishU: making me laugh even wen i felt shitty
StarfishU: and lyk...just so kool..and kept things real always....not 2 mention ur cute as heck and classy
StarfishU: so....i just kno ur gonna get far

i love the fact that he knows i will go far. he doesnt think it, he knows it. i love when people believe in me like that. its great sometimes when i tell people that my dream is to work for a magazine someday, and theyre like 'yeah i can totally picture you doing that' or something along those lines. its happened a few times. and it just increases my drive, that i can do it. and the fact that he thinks im classy makes me so thankful that someone sees me this way, it makes me feel like a woman, and like he respects me. words are pretty powerful!

- if i had read somethin like this on someone elses journal id be like, damn, get over yourself. so ill understand if anyone thinks im bragging or full of myself or some shit. but i aint, and i dont mean to come off that way with this one.

current mood: surprised

(1 oh fa sho! |can you dig it?)

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